Dear Frustration,

I'm in the process of cleaning my room.  Funny, I have been all of December.  It seems like every other day I have a basket full of old clothes, collectibles, shoes....junk...that I set outside my door for my mom to go through and either keep for herself, throw away or give away to the blind.  Today I've been going through lots of papers (receipts, mail, bills, etc.) and came across a "letter" I wrote a while back.  I won't say when.  I say "letter" because it's not your standard letter.  It's not meant to be delivered to or read by who it's written for.  It's a MY-eyes-only letter.  Whenever I'm overloaded with thoughts/feelings/emotions about someone I tend to write them a "letter" that says everything I've been wanting to say, but either don't have the courage to, or I feel it's just too honest for the person handle.  It helps me vent, release, let go, breathe again.  I tend to analyze things, then analyze that analyzation...which is too much for my brain to deal with.  I get overwhelmed and confused and I lose track of myself, so these "letters" are very necessary.  One of my resolutions is to keep a journal that is only meant for this purpose.  It makes me nervous to think of anyone ever reading it.

  

Finding this particular 5-page letter just showed me how important my "letter" writing really is.  I have a terrible memory, and I had forgotten about all these feelings I had for this certain person.  It's so amazing how much we change over time.  It's funny how when we're in the moment of things, when we're caught up with some big issue or dilemma, we have tunnel vision.  We can't get perspective because we're too much involved.  We need an outsider's point of view and opinion to help see straight again.  Well, it's weird how now I am that outsider for my previous self.  And in reading this I'm thinking "Wow, I'm soooo glad I never gave this to him, or told him how I felt."  Because...I in no way feel the same anymore.    

It begins...

"Dear ____, I'm so frusterated with you right now.  I can't stop thinking about..."  

"I'm very over-protective of my heart..."  

"I remember that while you were getting ready the next morning for work (taking a shower) I sat in your living room and stared at your door thinking, 'I could go.  Should I go?  I want to go.  I could just grab my bag and walk right out the door and never look back.  I'm sure there are taxi cabs around this early that could take me back.'  I seriously considered bailing!  It's one of my many defense mechanisms; escaping."

I like change.  I like that I no longer have these thoughts.  I like that I'm already stronger than I was when I wrote this.  I like that I write things down so that future Misty can learn from her past...and remember.